this mother's day

Last year on Mother's Day, I was a mother in my heart,
but no one knew that we had seen our son's sweet face yet.

So this will officially be my first Mother's Day! 

And while I am so excited and grateful that I get to partake, 

my mind has been flooded with all the implications of this day as it approaches.

Of course, I am grateful for my dear mother - 

this day especially gives me cause to reflect on that miracle of a woman. 

And this Mother's Day I think about all the new ways I appreciate my mom 

and understand her now that I have a son. I have been truly blessed by my mother, 

and there is no way I could ever begin to honor her or thank her or praise her in an adequate manner.

This Mother's Day I'm also thinking about myself as a mom. 

It's strange to think that I'm included in this day's celebration. I'm a MOM. 

I had all these ideas about what I would be like as a mom. Things I would do, things I wouldn't do... 

like, my blog certainly wouldn't become a mommy blog. Oops. 

I wouldn't talk in a goofy voice to my kid in public. Oops. 

I wouldn't have that child who screams in the middle of church - 

and certainly not in the middle of the Christmas Eve service! Oops.

I also thought I'd be more patient. I wouldn't have a short fuse with my children. I'd always be gentle. 

Oh, my lofty, grandiose vision of myself as mother. It makes me laugh. 

Being a mother has taught me more about humility and relying on God's grace than I could ever imagine. 

Every day I wake up and my first prayer is: 

God, give me patience and wisdom, especially as a mother and wife.

This Mother's Day, I'm thinking a lot about Bonsa's birthmother. 

I think about her a lot anyway. I'm heartbroken that we'll never know who she is. 

I'm confused about her decisions and wish I had better understanding of her circumstances. 

I wonder if she held her son. If she kissed his sweet lips. 

If she dreams about him. If her arms ache to hold him. 

If she's even alive. 

I know she must be incredibly beautiful to have created such an astonishing boy. 

There are days that I am angry at her. Days that I want to hug her and sob with her. 

I hope she has peace in her heart that her boy is alive and well. 

I think about the conversations that will take place in the future. 

The questions we will face. The questions we will be unable to answer.

This Mother's Day, I'm thinking a lot about children who don't have mothers to celebrate. 

This Mother's Day, I'm thinking about women who long to be celebrated as mothers. 

Who are unable to have biological children.

Who are waiting and waiting for their children to come home.

Who have lost children.

Who are single and whose hearts hurt for "the next step". 

This Mother's Day, I'm thanking God for the intricacies of life. 

The joys and sorrows and the way that both teach us about the Gospel. 

The pain and the beauty.