My brother, Ethan.

I'm home for the week with my family.

Earlier this evening, my mom mentioned that I should read through Ethan's journal for his English class. I had previously read some of the ridiculous papers that he's turned in, but they didn't even prepare me for the journal entries. After reading them, it's a wonder to me that he passed his class - say nothing about finishing the class without the teacher physically harming him in exasperation. The journals range from sarcastic to ridiculous to flat out lies (like the one about the time he was kicked in the head by a horse named Black Death when he was 6 years old? Or the one where his friend made him do drugs at age 4?). Poor, poor, poor Mrs. Bieler...

Here are some excerpts:

Week Two: A person you admire.
"This journal entry stumped me. I just couldn't understand what it was saying for the life of me. I mean, I could read and comprehend all the words except the last one. Finally I looked up this word, "admire", and soon realized the source of my confusion. Admiration is when someone looks up to another person and respects them. That was my problem. Ethan Bannister doesn't admire anyone, everyone admires him. That is a very famous quote and it's true..."

Week Five: Describe a place you know well.
"One place that I know extremely well is Albion's town cemetary. A person of my profession, a hitman, often spends time in cemetaries cleaning up the job. When I'm not burying my victims, however, I do get the rare opportunity to take in some of the sights of this resting place..."

Bonus Entry: Peer Pressure.
"... When I was about four, a so-called friend pressured me into doing something terrible. My "friend" offered me drugs and told me I would be cool if I did them. So I did. After I got high, then she, my friend, got me to do something even worse than doing drugs. She got me... to shoot an elephant! ..."

Then... then there was week 3. Mrs. Bieler must have thought that Ethan had mellowed out after his two previous entries. I can just imagine her reading through the entry and feeling her heart warm - the use of detail, the intricacy of the the imagery...

Week Three: A certain scene I witness today made me think of...
"This morning I woke up bright and early as usual. However, rather than enjoying a fresh brewed cup o'joe, I decided to go outside for a stroll. I bundled up to stave off the biting cold. I walked outside and headed for our pond. The sun was peeking up over the horizon, and I heard the soft plops of the ice dripping off of the trees. The air was cold and burned as I breathed in. When I exhaled a dense cloud enveloped my head until I walked away and it dissipated. Just before I reached the pond, I spotted a robin. Its red breast pulsed softly with the beating of its heart. It struck me, as I watched this pretty little bird hopping from branch to branch, just how much it represented. The robin is famous for being the herald of spring, and in the same sense, being the hope of escaping the clutches of an icy world. As these thoughts ran throuh my mind, a hawk swooped down and devoured the robin. What did this scene make me think of? That there is no hope."

Poor, poor, poor Mrs. Bieler.

... At least she can't say that he's not creative...


  1. so, what grade did he get on this journal? they are pretty funny!

  2. hmm. well, from a professional standpoint: they're good. but for a school journal? it depends on what the nature of the assignment was ... was it to write fiction? if so, he should get a relatively decent grade.

  3. ethan should so blog his journal writings...very, very amusing!!

  4. Hilarious. Sounds like something Scott would have written in school. :)

    My favorite was "a person of my profession, a hitman..."