if we had coffee

Once upon a time I did a post like this.

I had debated doing another "Recently I'm..." post,

but decided my thoughts were better suited to a chat over a warm drink.

SO. If we had coffee...

... I'd be drinking my new typical morning creation.

Salted caramel hot chocolate with a shot of instant espresso.

... I'd be wearing the basic, stereotypical mom uniform:
oversized shirt + yoga pants + sloppy ponytail.
Maybe some eyeliner and mascara, if I'm feeling super fancy.

... I'd start the conversation with some trivial tidbits.
Like, how I shouldn't be drinking this "mocha" because my baby weight is going nowhere fast.
Or how I'm excited because we are getting a piano!
And I'd probably ask your opinion about how to rearrange the family room.

... I'd probably have to interrupt our conversation to nurse Willa.
Which would inevitably lead to annoying mom stories about her.
Like how she's growing like a weed. And how she's rolling over.
And eating some solids. And did I mention how fast she's growing?
I might get teary at this point.

... And I'd tell more annoying mom stories about Bo.
About how proud I am of how well he's doing in preschool and how good it is for him.
And I'd go on and on about all the funny things he says.
Like, "Mommy, I will take you to Bisney World someday."
Or, "When Willa is bigger, I will teach her to go to the zoo."

... And I'd probably also share about how I struggle as a wife & mom.
And feel like most days I get it so wrong.
About how overwhelmed I've felt by my emotions the past few months.
How, when I'm nursing Willa, sometimes I'll cry for my son who never had that opportunity.
Or how, when I'm watching Bo play, I'll think about the hard conversations ahead of us.
How sometimes I feel panicky thinking about my children as teenagers.
Wanting to protect them and their precious hearts.
And I'd probably be teary at this point as well.
Because even with all my worries and struggles,
I am loving every moment of this life God has blessed me with.

... I'd go on to say how grateful I am for His grace.
And how I feel like He's led me so gently during this season.
And then I'd get teary again, wanting to extend that same patience to my family.
And I'd explain how thankful I am to have a Savior I can trust through everything.

... And of course, I'd still have to yell at my dog for barking.
Because she still barks at everything.
I'd probably pretend to hate her in front of you,
but when no one is watching, I slip her treats and pet her head and talk silly to her.

... I'd ask you questions about your life.
They'd probably be on the verge of too intrusive,
but I'd give you the option of just telling me to shut up and mind my own business.
You wouldn't, and you'd answer my nosy questions anyway.

... Then I'd realize it's almost time for me to go pick up Bo from school.
So we'd hug and say we need to do this more often,
even though we both know, like these blog posts, it will be awhile.
But it's okay, because this is the season of life we are in,
and we know that a lack of frequent, carefree coffee dates doesn't diminish our friendship,
but makes those times all the more cherished.

Til next time...

your first day

Dear Bonsa,

Monday morning was your first day of nursery school. 

You've gone to Sunday School and "class" at the Bible study I attend, 

but something just seems so much more official about this. 

Maybe it's because it was the first time I've dropped you off with people I don't know 

and haven't stayed within a comfortable range in the same building.

 
 Sidenote: It is so hard to get a picture of you these days that isn't blurry. You're always moving & delighting in being silly.

You were so, SO excited about going to class. We went on a little tour last week, 

and when it was time to leave... well, let's just say you have had easier transitions. 

When we got home, we made a sticker countdown of the days left until you got to go back. 

The night before you started nursery school, your dad reminded me to take pictures. 

I laughed because, me? Forget pictures? But then he said, 

"I know he'll have first days of school every year, but this is the real first day of all those others." 

I tried to keep that in mind when I woke up the next morning. 

I wanted your first day of school to be memorable. 

We had set out your outfit the night before and made sure your little backpack was all set. 

I made a healthy egg breakfast for you. But somehow, in the mix of life with a toddler and an infant,

 the clock seemed to be working against us, and we ended up needing to rush. I got impatient and you cried.

We made it out the door and got to your school on time. Early, even. 

We walked in there together and my heart was pounding. 

Did the other moms know how inadequate I felt? How unprepared for this I was? 

How I was just pretending to know how this all works? 

We ventured down the hall and I met your two teachers. 

They showed you to your cubby and we hung up your coat and backpack. 

Then, you raced off to your classroom before I even had the chance to hug or smooch you goodbye. 

I watched your precious curls bouncing around the classroom and debated briefly calling you back 

to me for a hug... or just grabbing you and making you come home with me and play and stay little forever. 

But I smiled at the teacher, said, "Thank you - see you in a bit!" and turned around. 

I'm proud to say I made it to the car before the tears fell. 

Part of my emotion was because the morning hadn't gone as smoothly as I had hoped.

I didn't want to yell and make you cry on your first morning of school.

And part of the emotion was due to what this day signified - 

the beginning of your days in school away from me. 

The realization that there are now parts of your day to which I am not privy. 

Experiences that I will share only as you tell me about them. 

And part of my mama heart is jealous for all those moments. 

But I know this is the start of something that will be so good for you. 

Meeting new people. Making new friends. 

Learning how to operate in group settings. Learning to obey other adults.

And when I see your excitement about this process, it makes me excited for you. 

As sad as it is to realize how quickly you're growing up, it's amazing to watch. 

You're trying to figure life out. You have a big heart and big emotions.

You're independent and strong-willed and awesome.

I'm so grateful that the Lord has entrusted your sweet life to me and your daddy.
We are so proud of you and look forward to walking through this next chapter with you.

I love you forever,

your mama

remembrance leads us to worship

2 years ago today, we became a family of three.

Each year until Bo is 18, we have to send a post-placement report to our adoption agency.

It's an awesome opportunity to reflect on all that has happened the past year,

and all that has happened since we welcomed Bo into our family.

The ways we've grown.

The ways he has shaped us.

The lessons we've learned.

The memories we've made.

The other day, I was listening to a Spotify playlist, and Matt Redmond's song "Remembrance" came on.

The lyrics are really beautiful, and there's one line that says:

"Lord, we remember You, and remembrance leads us to worship."

And that's how I feel every time I reflect on our adoption process and Bo's life.

When I think about how God led us to Bo and made him a part of US...

I'm overwhelmed by His faithfulness and goodness.

Happy 2-year Family Day, Bo.

We love you so much.

pregnancy, motherhood & womanhood

Judging by my blog, it may not seem like I'm overly excited about this pregnancy.

When we were waiting to bring Bo home, I couldn't shut up about my anticipation.

I posted pictures of his room, any photos we received in weekly updates, etc etc.

And all I've written about this new baby is how many times I threw up and speculation about the gender.

Part of that is due to my shifting thoughts and increasing ambivalence toward blogging.

Part is due to my realization that no one cares what I'm craving or how much weight I've gained.

Well. Certain family members might be interested in that last part.

The largest part, however, is what I've learned from being an adoptive mom

and what I've learned from friends and family.

First of all, I've been surprised by how intertwined this pregnancy and our adoption are in my mind.

When I feel the baby kick, it's exciting and weird and wonderful.

But I also wonder about Bonsa's birth mother. And how his kicks felt to her.

When I was hanging over the toilet bowl, I wondered if his growth caused her nausea.

I don't feel like I missed out on experiencing all of that with Bo - 

his story and our journey to him have taught me so much that I'd have missed out on otherwise.

Second, when we were in the adoption process, we didn't know whether or not 

we'd be able to have biological children.

We'd been "trying" for about a year with no success before we sent in our adoption application.

Then, after we brought Bo home, we decided to just "see what happens"...

and nothing happened for over a year. 

I know what it's like to sit on a bathroom floor with a negative pregnancy test

and curse my body, curse God and curse pregnant women.

I know what it's like to visit the doctor and stare at a black space

where so many other sonograms have a teeny little bean growing.

I've read multiple blogs and heard countless stories about women who claim

that they've never felt like a true woman until after going through the birthing process.

They've never felt stronger or more beautiful or prouder of their bodies or what have you.

I have beautiful friends who long to be married.

Sweet friends who have been through excruciating miscarriages.

Wonderful friends who are currently battling the struggle of infertility.

I think - especially within the Christian culture - there is such a high emphasis placed on reproduction.

When I was resigning from my job teaching, I was explaining to my former [male] boss

that we were getting ready to bring our son home and I was going to stay home with him.

And he told me, "Good for you! That is the most important thing a woman can do."

What? 

I mean - don't get me wrong. I do believe a woman's first priority should be her family.

But THE most important thing a woman can do?

What about my friends who are unmarried? 

What about my friends who are unable to have children?

Are they carrying about lesser business than a mom?

Does God care less about the work they are doing than wives and mothers?

My ability to procreate doesn't elevate my importance.

My womanhood isn't determined by my ability to push a human out of my body without painkillers.

My femininity isn't found because of my marriage.

I am created in the image of God.

My identity is rooted in Christ alone.

Yes, the other details of my life shape me - 

but the determining factor is always Christ.

Whew. Unintentional soapbox there.
All that being said - yes, I am SO excited about being pregnant 

and welcoming another Parton to our little pack!

sunday funday

My favorite part of Mother's Day was a pajama'd Bo, running into my room with a giant heart,

jumping into my arms and yelling, "Happy Mother's Day!"

Doug & Bo got me beautiful hanging flowers, a peony plant & a pregnancy pillow!

Which I have already tested and found AMAZING.

After church, we went over to my parents' and soaked up the beautiful sunshine.

In addition to Mother's Day, it was also Emily's birthday, so there was much celebrating.

There was also some dogsitting while wearing Uncle Rob's vest.

 Plus, blossoms are out. BLOSSOMS, PEOPLE.

There was a time or fifty this winter that I thought this day might never come.

 And finally, a baby bump. 

Or maybe it's mostly cheesecake. Whatever.

mother's day, pt. 2

Dear Bo,

You are a joy and a delight, and I love you so much.

I like to say that to you a lot, because I feel like many times, my actions don't communicate that to you.

 

This past year, you've taught me a lot about patience.

And I didn't want to learn the way you forced me to.

In other words, I never really wanted to practice being patient.

I like the idea and image of it in my mind, but the day-to-day living it out...

That's another story.

You are a strong-willed, opinionated little man.

I hope these traits transform over the years to create a young man with strong convictions

and determination to achieve great things.

You've made me see myself the way God must see me -

with a lot of frustration sometimes, but with far more love.

You've made me realize that I am completely inadequate.

That no one can parent simply by their own resolve and effort.

You've sent me deeper into the arms of Christ.

You've taught me about forgiveness.

How often you've said sorry to me, and I begrudgingly hug you while still angry...

But then, how many times have I apologized for yelling at you,

and you just smile at me and give me a kiss - all my mistakes washed away?

Lest you get the wrong idea, it's not all hard work and heartache.

Being your mom is the best thing I can imagine.

You are hilarious - and you know it! You love making your parents laugh.

I could just watch you and be entertained for hours.

Your smile and laugh bring such light to my days.

I am so grateful for you, sweet Bo.

Thank you for loving me, and thank you for making me a mom.

Love always,

Mommy

rewards of gentleness

Yesterday afternoon, I was putting Bo down for his nap.

As sometimes happens, he was more interested in squirming all over than closing his eyes and resting.

I sat in the rocking chair in his room, watching as he pulled his socks off and 

wriggled around until his head was at the foot of the bed.

Eventually, I decided to lie down next to him and see if that would help him calm down.

I plopped my head on "Pudge", my old stuffed bear that has been passed on to Bo.

Bo snuggled up next to me, and proceeded to kick at the bed frame and wiggle around.

I felt frustration building and swallowed the urge to tell him strongly to lie still.

Instead, I whispered, "I love you, Bo."

He popped his head up and whispered, "I love you, too," and planted a kiss on my cheek.

And fell asleep about two minutes later.

I need to cling to little moments like that as a reminder that gentleness can produce great rewards.

If I want my son to be "kind and gentle" - a phrase we're saying a lot these days - 

then I need to model that for him. 

I'm grateful for a little boy who is so full of grace toward his mama as we learn together.

bonsa-isms

Yep, totally mommy blog material here. 

These are just some snapshots of Bo these days for my own recollection.

1

During a moment of exasperation, I told Bo he was driving me nuts. 

He misheard me, and the next day we made the healthy choice of McDonalds for lunch.

As I offered him a chicken nugget, he exclaimed, "Driving me nuggets!"

2

We just visited Zach and Michele in NJ to see their new baby, Riley. 

We stayed in a hotel room and Bo got a queen bed all to himself.

We arrived pretty late Friday night, so he was out of it when we laid him down.

When he woke up the next morning, he sat up in bed and asked, "Whose big house is this?"

3

Bo is learning to assert his opinions... which basically means he's telling us "no" a lot,

or telling us when he does and does not want to do things.

For example, if I ask him to say his full name, he now says,

"Don't want to say Bonsa Douglas Parton."

Or I'll ask, "How old are you?" and he responds, "Don't want to say two."

The other day I said, "I love you, Bo!" and he sweetly replied,

"Stop saying that, Mommy!"

Oh, okay.

4
However, when we make a suggestion that is pleasing to Bo,
he will exclaim, "Sounds a good idea, Mommy!"

5
We haven't been able to pinpoint the exact cause of this particular exclamation,
but I think it happens when we're busy with something else and Bo wants our full attention.
Regardless, the most recent occurrence was when I was doing dishes and Bo told me,
"Mommy, wake up!"

6
Bo loves the animated Disney movies Aristocats and Robin Hood.
He also loves watching Curious George.
Often, when we're in the car, he'll pipe up a memory of one of those 3 shows
and laugh, "That part is so funny!"
..

Ah, the fun and frustration of a 2-and-a-half-year old!

three is a magic number.

September 3, 2012 - Our sweet boy was put in our arms forever.

And life since that moment has been sweeter and harder than I could ever imagine.

I've talked to several girl friends & mentioned that it seems like Bo has always been with us.

Which isn't to say I can't remember life before him. The fun of carefree marriage, just the 2 of us.

But I just had no idea the immense joy that a tiny bean could bring to our life.

Yes. There are hard moments. Times when I wonder how that same sweet bean could be 

so incredibly aggravating. Times I am so disappointed in myself for my lack of patience.

My lack of compassion. My lack of understanding. My failures as a parent.

These past 2 weeks especially have felt tedious, to be totally honest.

I just read Jen Hatmaker's blog today and read this quote:

"We are not capable of healing our kids' bodies and hearts and minds, but Jesus is.

We can trust him with our little families, because He is a good God and He is ever for us."

That's a lesson I've been learning lately. The beauty of the Gospel.

How I need to remind myself daily of its truths. 

I will never be a perfect mother. 

Our family will never be perfect. 

But we have a perfect Savior.

And there's nothing more beautiful than that.

And I have been given such an amazing gift in my husband and my son.

And I just praise God for them.

For the tiny moments of each day.

The triumphs. The trials.

The quiet. The chaos.

My precious, naughty, sweet, stubborn, remarkable boy.

And our family of three for one year.